I am unaware of the breathing I have been doing for so long. I am unaware of the thoughts that reside in my head, unconsciously. I have not been noticing the smiles of the children, and the heartbeat of my lover. I have not been noticing that they, too, have hopes, dreams, fears, and aspirations that are apart from my own. I have not been noticing the world that exists outside of me. I am totally unaware of the "bigger picture" and what lies beyond my level of understanding. Sometimes I am unaware of the God within. Sometimes I can't feel Her playing inside of me. But I think I am blessed to know that I am not unaware of being unaware. And with that understanding, I am truly blessed...

There are many places I like to hide. Not to escape this world, but to reflect more upon it. One of my favorite places would be in my head. One thought is like a ripple, creating mindwaves in my mental world.Deep in thought, I become inspired to do some of my best work in this trance like state. I follow my thoughts like an unrequited lover, or a treasure hunter, not wanting to give up the chase until I find  the Holy Grail of the moment. From there, I am brought back into "reality," and I share my hidden treasures with others...

My life is coming together beautifully. Through all the chaos, I can see my Purpose unfolding and blossoming. I am the lotus flower amidst the muddy swamp. My yoga and spiritual practices are changing me, refining me. Not exactly changing me, but acting like a mirror that reflects my true nature. My children are growing each day, with such splendor and majesty  it makes me cry out with gratitude. My muse no longer feel stifled and is dancing and playing within my being. It is so free now that it is jumping out of myself and touching others, beckoning them to play and taste the freedom, too. May we all have the courage to be dancing lotuses...

I felt that I met my Sage. One day, just on a whim, I decided to go to Joann's Fabrics to buy some more crochet hooks and some yarn for a home project.   While I was standing in the aisle figuring how much it was going to cost me, a smiling elderly man rolled next to me in his wheelchair. He looked me in my eyes and told me that I was a very thoughtful person and I had a great Spirit about me. Startled, I opened my mouth to ask him how did he know, but instead, instinctively, I smiled and said, "Yes, I'm always up in my head, thinking." Surprisingly, he said, "Good. That is where you're meant to be." he went on to tell me I was an unusual woman with a beautiful Soul. He said God is from the inside out. I told him that is what I believed, too. He told me not to worry and don't give up on my dreams because I'm right there with them. I thanked him for his kind words, and continued shopping.

Later I proceeded to the checkout line with hook in hand when - wouldn't you know it! - he was right in front of me in line.  Instinctively, he turned around and said, 'There you are!" He talked about his wife and his children: how his son is pursuing his career in music with Rockafella Records and his daughter finally found her true love after 40 years of patient waiting. He then asked me if I wrote in my journal, and I told him no, I haven't in a while. He admonished me, saying that I was a natural Communicator. I promised him I will now. He grabbed my hands and told me to always work with my hands because it  is my gift. I was in awe of this man who knew me like he knew me for many lifetimes.

Before we departed he gave me these wise words: my time for fulfillment is NOW, and I'm on the right path, fine tuning and perfecting myself along the way. He told me that while others are worrying about the material world, I am seeking the Truth. He told me to learn the difference between love and lust, the Devil is only presented to me so I can discern Truth, and to never, ever settle in life. Then he smiled at me and said, "OK, Daughter."

Thank you, Teacher....

I am beginning to realize the significance of chanting. I was never gifted with a beautiful voice, and oftentimes I am embarassed to sing in front of others.  Chanting is different. It's strange, but  the foreign words feel so familiar on my tongue, and the sacred sound comes out of me so effortlessly, so beautifully.  I can feel my heart pour out of my mouth...I can feel everything unleash. I take so much joy in sharing chants with others, especially my children! I think that kirtan will be a part of my yoga practice. It's amazing how yoga is so fluid, so organic. My yoga is growing, changing, rising...

Why are relationships are so hard? I take a look at my life and get a lot of clarification, enlightenment, if you will, about my transgressions, my mistakes, and karma. Whoever said hindsight is 20/20 got it so right...however, foresight and present awareness will work wonders too...and save us from a lot of heartache.

I remember not too long ago, when I was still in a relationship with my ex-husband, I had gone through hell and back trying to keep us together as a family. I was depressed, I cried a lot, the children were so worried about me and how I was being treated...that was when I said "No more." To love him so much and to let myself be mistreated was too cruel. I had lost parts of myself that I didn't know how to get back for a long time, and I realized that my beliefs and how I thought that I had to find love outside of me to be whole had actually set the karmic wheel for my dependency on abusive relationships.

It has only been a couple of years since I had the inner strength to finally leave, but it seems like ages ago. The first year was rough and I didn't honestly know how I would survive divorce, but I thank God Herself I have learned what I needed to learn in those trying times. My life is slowly coming together: I am more involved with my church and am now a yoga teacher and the children's church teacher, I am writing and expressing myself in the most creative ways now, and my new marriage with my best friend, Doug, has been...beautiful.

I am now creating plenty in my life because I now realize that I am the creator of my life, and any hardships that I may face are still beautiful, because I am creating more beauty in the midst of chaos.

I feel sick. Like the insides of my stomach is rotting, dying. Today we got into this huge fight. He said hurtful things. I lashed out. And kept going. I couldn't help myself. Like before, he angrily put his hands on me...this isn't the hands of my lover, is it? I wanted to scream, yell, hit back. But like a coward, I just took it. He said he wouldn't do it again. He said he loved me.

I couldn't recognize him. I looked at his twisted lips. The lips that kissed me affectionately and said kind words to me were now calling me names, hurting me. I wanted to hurt him, too. I just didn't know how.

Thankfully, it was over. I looked around the house, looked at my daughter's frightened eyes. No more. Not this time. Not anymore....

Wow. I haven't written in so long. So many wonderful (and challenging) things have been going on in my life. My life is like the cycles of the ocean, the tide comes in, it pushes away into the ocean...it just, well, be. I am very grateful that I am flexible and very open to what life gives me...if I wasn't, I'd be crazy by now!

Last month, I married my best friend and supporter of all things, Doug (yay!). We've been through a lot together, the good and the bad, but we've always held on to each other. We have matching wedding bands with I Corinthians 13:4 inscribed on the top. Inside is the verse: Love is patient, love is kind. It's good to remember that, don't you think?

I've also had a total shift in careers. I wasn't too happy with my job in advertising at the local paper I worked for, so I quit! The family thought I was nuts: why would I quit such a good-paying job, especially during these hard times. But I had faith that I will find my way, and I'm grateful that Doug has been there to support me the whole way. I began volunteering at my church and in the community, when I realized how much I enjoyed teaching children! I enrolled back in college and am now pursuing a degree in Education so I can become a certified school teacher! And, only a few short weeks later from quitting my job, I have found a wonderful job teaching preschoolers Spanish at a daycare center that just opened up! God has indeed answered all my prayers and I am thankful for it all. Sometimes the road ahead looks daunting and at times I want to go back...but Spirit is pushing me to realize my highest Self. How can I turn back?

God is good. And real. And ever-so present. In my darkest hour, when all seemed lost, I cried out to God and surrendered my will. He heard my cries for help and saw every tear I shed. And He was there for me...for us. He answered every prayer and then some.

Didn't Jesus say God is our Father, and would give us all that we ask? If we mere mortals wouldn't trick our children and give them what they need, how more so is our Heavenly Father kind and generous to us? Whoever doubts God's existence is blind, walking around with their eyes wide shut. All around us is proof of Her ever-flowing blessings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Lost. Am I lost? Not physically, geographically. Well, maybe geographically in my mind. Some days I don't know whether I'm coming or going. It's like I'm Alice--down the rabbit hole. I'm lost in a quagmire of thoughts and I don't even know the way out. How do I get so lost in thought? Are the roadmaps in my brain confusing lines of scribble? Maybe my life is such a mess because my subconscious is nothing but confusion.

I think I have the spirit of a gypsy. I wander to and fro, bedazzling those I meet on my path to no-where. I pull them in, giving them a taste of beauty and adventure and majick. And for a while they begin to believe that there is still majick in this dreary world, and they, too, feel the call to no-where...until they realize I am long gone, infecting others with my chaotic beauty of lostness. And for a while they begin to believe that there is still majick in this dreary world, and they, too, feel the call of the allness...

But I do know that being on this path to no-where has its advantages. I now appreciate the adventures God has led me, with all its unpredictabilities. I have to rely on my intuition and the Helper that resides in me. And I am ever-so thankful for this. God has given me a journey to follow, relying solely on Him and not the illusions and falsities of this world. Many people live the same predictable way, trying ever-so hard to kill the living Spirit inside of them, for fear of upheaval and chaos that might rear its daunting head in their pathetic lives. And while they profess they believe in Christ -- in their hearts they would never willingly give everything up to follow Him. These people will never hear Him or the adventures He has to offer. My Spirit is ready to follow, because my heart is lost and willing to be found.

I'm ready, God. Take me away...